Also known as Knewbuntu, Pneubuntu or Gnubuntu depending on your preference of silent letters.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Plinky: Almost as awesome as half of my right pinky!

Plinky (which is clearly more awesome than me to the power of Dark Tranquility times Mozart factorial!) has suggested that I write about 5 things I want to do before I die. Now, I am frankly slightly depressed by this question since there are far more than 5 things I want to do before I die. So instead, I will write about 5 things I think the afterlife (just remember, you go where Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you to [Don't worry, I do know noone escapes his kick so there really isn't an afterlife, just continous death for the rest of eternity!]) could be like!

1. Wicked Techno Dance Party
Hmm...Rocking out with some crazy Eastern Europeans (among others) to this for the rest of eternity? Sign me up! My Europeaness (that totally is a word, don't even lie blogspot) has given me a love for techno that most North Americans just can't understand :P. I mean put this image in your mind: Jesus, the Devil, and yourself rocking out to some techno beats. Would you or would you not go for that?

On the flip side, there aren't too many ridiculously awesome techno songs, most are pretty boring. So unless I wanted to listen to the same 13 songs for eternity, I'd have to listen to some pretty bad stuff.

Rating: 8.5/10

2. A Melodic Death Metal Concert
This would naturally involve more growling than most people can handle, but hey, I like it! Anyways, these things are basically the party of the century and are just amazingly awesome. I enjoy every one immensely, so I'd love to spend my afterlife in one!

On the flip side, headbanging + eternity = neck sprains (as does sitting too close to the screen in movie theatres!). After one 4 hour concert, I couldn't move it for 3 days or so, so eternity would be painful. And the singer would get very hoarse (PWNIE! geddit? hoarse = horse = pony = pwnie? Nevermind...).

Rating: 6.5/10

3. Just like RL
Well, this would suck. A lot. There are very few positives, but there are some. For all we non-spectral beings know, you might not be able to sense anything in the afterlife, which would suck.

On the other hand, responsibilities. Deadlines. Meetings. Group Work. School. The Sham-Wow guy.

Rating: -10/10

4. The whole heaven-hell deal
Honestly, I would not want to go to heaven. Awesome people are (generally) uninteresting. Heaven would be all sitars and Muslim imams (haha Christians, FOOLED YOU!). O, and suicide bombers. On the other hand, hell. Bill Gates. Chuck Norris himself. Jesus (I mean, how cool would it be to say "Jesus Christ!" and see someone respond!).

Since only half of the heaven-hell idea is awesome, I have to cut their ranking in half. So,

Ranking: 5/10

5. Nothingness
Yes, a black, empty, desolate, souless, bare, silent, miniscule, individual, unsensing and unfeeling pit of despair. Or not! See, religions try to tell you that that's the alternative, but that isn't really what happens. You end. Finito. Capiche? Maggots eat your body and you become one with the earth! So this is why hippies rejected religion...

Ranking: 7/10

So therefore, it seems techno is for me!



Kaylee said...

How could you include the Sham-Wow guy with all the negative things about RL? Everyone knows how awesome lame infomercials are!

lyrical charlatan said...


Well, the techno playlist lasts about 48:10... so, my room or your room? :P
FF thinks techno isn't a word, luckily, I can add it to the dictionary.